It is a fact. 
When you are not in a relationship, you go around telling yourself that you suck and that no one will ever love you since you are such an unlovable person. 
On the other hand, when you are in a relationship you live in constant fear that your partner will leave you since you don't deserve her...or him.
I try to distance myself from love. Love is merely a chemical reaction that will disappear eventually. 
Love...I don't like that word. I prefer not to use it.  My kind of view on love makes me lonely, of course. However, if I'd get involved with someone, they'd just leave me as soon as they get to know me. Just like my father did. 
I want a relationship, but I don't want to be hurt again. 
Hedgehog's dilemma.
I need people to like me. I need people to accept and appreciate me. I need affection. Therefore, I simply act as people want me to act. Never getting into a conflict if I can avoid it. 
I guess that is why I pilot the Eva. 
When I pilot the Eva, people pretend as if they like me because I'm doing something good. 
I know that I'm being used. 
That's another thing about me, I'm willing to do almost anything just to hear someone say "Good job, Shinji" or something similar. 
Repeatedly, I tell myself to stop piloting the Eva since it makes me suffer. Sometimes, it's almost unbearable. Nevertheless, I keep piloting it. 
"Why?" you ask. Well, it simple; if I keep piloting it, I will keep doing something that will earn me people's affection. 
Without people being nice to me, appreciating me, I am nothing. If I'm nothing in their eyes, I seize to exist. 
I live only to please people. That is the only reason that I do anything. If I do something for someone else, I'm actually doing it for myself. To sacrifice myself or do anything for anyone else makes me worth living in their eyes.  
I think that's the same with anyone, everyone. Humans are in fact self-pitying, pathetic egocentrics. Maybe that's why I don't like talking about myself, talking about myself exposes who I really am. 
I'm weak.
I try to ignore what other people think about me. I try so hard, but I can't live without people's affection. Asuka and me are alike in that way. I can see her trying so hard to be independent, but the truth is that she needs to be taken care of. Perhaps more than I do. 
This is probably why I fear him so much...the fifth child, I mean...
...Kaoru Nagisa. 
I've never met anyone like him before. I knew that he was special the first time that I saw him...the way he looked at me. He seemed to be able too see straight through me, almost as if he understood. 
I knew that I didn't have to tell him why I had been crying, but something about him made me want to do it. However, I know that people weren't really paying attention to other's problems. They're just waiting for you to end your pathetic tirade so that they can speak. 
But not Kaoru. Something's different about him. He didn't ask me anything, he didn't reply. He just lay there, next to me and studied my face. I was searching for something in his eyes that could indicate that he thought that I had gone too far, that I was pathetic, but the only ting there was just deep, intense red eyes. They were quite friendly, which surprised me. No one had ever been friendly to me by their own free will before. 
At least that's what I used to think before I met him...but now...? 
I don't know, maybe it has just been me overanalysing all these years. Maybe people don't hate me?
I can't describe what Kaoru has done to my self esteem. 
I don't know how I feel about him. I'm afraid to get too close, but I know that it's too late now. I'm already close to him. 
He is more than a friend...also more than a very good friend. If I lost him, I don't know what I'd do. He's closer to me than anyone else...I've never exposed myself like this to anyone. But I do it to him, because I know that I can trust him...

....

Is this....

....Love...?

I'm not sure.
I tend to distance myself from the persons that I like before I start loving them. 
To spare me the pain. 
What's wrong with me? 
Kaoru likes me for who I am. That's supposed to make me do whatever I want, he'd still like me...nevertheless, it has the opposite effect on me. 
It terrifies me. 
Kaoru is the only person that I would grieve for if I lost him, therefore I can't make any mistakes. I'm even more careful around him than others since I know that they are only using me anyway. 
But somehow...somehow I need them as well, I need their affection as well. 
Just...not so much any more. Ever since Kaoru came into my life, I don't have the same urge for other's affection any more. He has made me stronger than I was before, I think he knows that. 
I think he already knows that I....
...love...him.
He's just waiting for me to find out. For me to accept it. 

Maybe...someday I will.